eldersister | Open post

[ Sigrid treasures these moments of knowing how much the father lives on in his daughter, even if they are always laced with pain. ]

I was very fond of him too. And it's good that you say what is true, my darling.

[she looks at Sigrid, not quite sure what that look on her face meant, but -] He got that look, too.

[ Oh sweetie, she was hoping you'd get a bit older before you started saying things like that. ]

What look?

The one you just had.

A bit sad, but sweet, and maybe... dunno. Lost?

Oh, sweetie...

[ It becomes very difficult, then, not to simply burst into tears.

But she is a grown woman, and Morgana is just a child. Sigrid is meant to protect her, not unleash a mess of confused longing upon the poor girl. ]

Let's get to my chambers and I'll try to explain, alright?

[He often got that look, too, when she caught him gazing out the window up to the stars. She had often asked him what was wrong when she caught him but Gorlois wasn't one to share his woe, least of all with his daughter.]

Alright. [She says, feeling a bit like she has misstepped.] I didn't - I mean... I don't want... did I say something wrong?

Oh no, not at all.

[ Sigrid stops in her tracks to wrap Morgana up in a hug. ]

But some things you only want very special people to hear, when you talk about them. People you care an awful lot about.

[She's hesitant at first, still expecting some kind of disappointment, maybe, if not outright reprimand - but when nothing comes she hugs Sigrid back tightly.]

Okay. I think I understand.

[ Never for something like this. Sigrid hopes that one day Morgana will know that. ]

That's good.

[ Sigrid is quiet the rest of the way to her chambers, placing Morgana in a chair and putting her things in order to clean and dress the scrape before she says anything. ]

You know when you want something to happen, very badly, but you know it can't?

[That question earns its own distant, sad look as Morgana nods and squirms in her chair. She knew all too well. Like the day she begged her Da to stay home, just once. Or when she tried to tell him to get up but he was already cold and ghost white from bleeding out.]

Yes. [She takes a breath.] I know.

[ Sigrid takes Morgana's hand and gives it a little squeeze, before she starts carefully cleaning the scraped knee. ]

Well, that's what that look means. It means I remember your father, and how good he was, and I remember some things that never happened, but that part of me wishes could have.

[She squeezes her hand back and turns her face back to look at Sigird, when she does her eyes are glassy but Morgana doesn't make any noise of complaint, not about her knee or her past.]

What was s'posed to happen? [She asks, quickly wiping away a tear that finally escapes.]

[ She ties a bandage around the knee, and then picks Morgana up so that she can sit with the girl on her lap. ]

I loved your father. The way you love someone you'd like to marry.

[There are times when Morgana feels quite grown despite her age, but at times like this she is happy to be picked up and curl in Sigrids lap like she was still little more than a babe.]

Oh. [She thinks about it a little, then nods.] That makes sense.

[Who wouldn't love her Da?]

But if he... why'd he look the same and not...

[ That actually makes Sigrid laugh a little. ]

It does, doesn't it?

[ She gives Morgana a bit of an extra squeeze. ]

It's alright. You can say whatever you want.

He married my Ma and not you but he got the same look... if he loved you too, then why? [Why were adults so strange?!]

[ What a good question. ]

Sometimes, people marry for other reasons than being in love. But I won't speak for your parents. I don't know what your father was thinking when he got that look on his face. I can only tell you about what it means for me.

[She had never thought overmuch about her parent's marriage, at least not until everything changed. She assumed they loved each other, her mother was not unkind to Gorlois and he was ever a gentle man, soft, sweet. He brought them expensive linens and pretty ribbons to turn into new clothes and tie in their hair respectively. Sometimes he even picked them both flowers.

But he was often sad when he thought no one was looking. Morgana had never known quite what to make of it until now.]

He missed you. I know that. He told me stories whenever I asked. Can you love more than one person?

You love both your Ma and your Da, don't you?

[ That is an easier answer to give than think too deeply about it in romantic terms.

Not that she wants Gorlois to have had a loveless marriage, far from it. But that doesn't make her keen on dwelling on the thought that another woman got to not only be his wife, but his love as well.

She is only human after all. ]

Every love is just a bit different, so you can have as many as you want. You can't run out of love.

I thought I did. [She's not sure, so much, about her mother anymore. Uther had a way of spoiling everything he touched, of souring it. Sure, he wasn't a wild beast but he had taken her from the little castle over the cliffs she had loved so well and he stormed and raged in a way her father had never. In any case she wasn't his daughter and that was always perfectly clear when they interacted. There was no warmth, no genuine kindness. Just a sort of tolerance that made Morgana sure he'd send her off the second he could.] I mean, I guess I do.

I miss them, at least. I miss being little. [Before everything hurt.]

Of course you do.

[ Sigrid sighs, hating that she can't ever make things right for this poor child. ]

You know, there is one thing that makes me happy that your father had another wife, and that's you.

[Morgana shifts from where she had been resting her head against Sigrid's shoulder to sit up a little more. Her fingers brush a loose strand of hair back behind Sigrids ear, but only after she admires it for a moment.]

If he married you instead, I could still be here. Maybe a little blonder... You would've had me sooner, but either way, you have me now so I s'pose part of it worked out.

I like it here. [She takes a breath then softly adds] I love you, Sigrid.

[ Well how is anyone supposed to hold back tears after hearing something like that?

At least Sigrid is smiling too, so hopefully Morgana won't think she said anything bad. ]

And I love you, just the way you are. You'll always have a home here, if you want it.

[Morgana kisses her cheek and then rests her forehead against her jaw, snuggling up close.]

That's good. Cos I wasn't going anywhere.

Bit cheeky, aren't you?

[ Sigrid chuckles quietly and holds Morgana close, quietly whispering inside her mind, just in case Gorlois can somehow hear it, that she will do everything in her power to give his daughter the sort of life he would have wanted her to have. ]

What sort of stories did you have your father telling about me anyway?

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